11 Things I Do In A Day, As An 11-Year Old Immigrant Boy Imagined by the American Right-Wing
Decide if I’ll be Hispanic, Haitian, Venezuelan, Nicaraguan, Jamaican, or transgender. It all just depends on what the Republican who imagines me needs me to be that day.
Argue with Jordan because I want to be Goku today but he always makes me be Vegeta even though I don’t like Vegeta and he knows Goku is my favorite.
Console my wife, who’s going through menopause.
Meet up with my gang–the Illegal Immigrant Gang–and do illegal gang things. Such as,
Attack places that are famously profitable to the objectives of gangs. Like Colorado, Vermont, and other states that come up when you’re bored and Google, “states you forgot existed”.
Tell my four children they can’t watch Family Guy anymore because it’s inappropriate.
Get sad because Mommy won’t let me watch Family Guy.
Make sure not to abandon the bad intentions I came here with. Place banana peels in areas with high concentrations of pedestrian traffic.
Tell absurd lies that spiral out of control and lead to comedic chaos.
Kill every White person in America.
Build a house for my family out of all of the jobs I’ve stolen from unemployed American adults who have work experience, education, and fluent knowledge of the English language.
What can I say? Employers just really love eleven year old immigrant boys.