Against White Women Saying “Homegirl”

I don’t think White women should be allowed to say, “homegirl”. Not because they can’t be homegirls, but just because it feels redundant, y’know?

It’s like, bitch, what home? All of America?

I just feel like if you moving into a home can increase the rent prices of an entire neighborhood, you’re a bit overqualified for the homegirl position.

I don’t know.

It’s like living in the suburbs and calling it “the hood”, because “hood” is technically a shorthand for “neighborhood”. It’s like, yeah, but I know your teachers used to hate you.

I just feel like if when Black people tried to call themselves “human”, y’all were like, “would your team possibly consider an offer starting at three-fifths?,” then White women gotta get hit with the same type of negotiations.

So here’s my proposal:

“Homegirl” and all related language shall be apportioned among the several Blacks which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of Blacks, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years (#freetheguys), and excluding Lightskins not taxed, three fifths of all other Whites.

Under this compromise, White women, and all Whites who wish to use the word, or any AAVE, shall be counted as three-fifths of a homegirl. And, while this may not seem like much of a blow at first, allow me to illustrate the implications of this compromise.

This enables us, too, to create our own Congress. To snub them out of, and then fuck them over in.

Black people, I advise you, if you’re reading this, abuse the power vested in you by this compromise in the same ways White people abused the power vested in them by the three-fifths compromise.

The United Black Congress will vote on matters like, “Should every Black musician in America move to Africa?” and “What if we just stopped using AAVE around them?”.

Or, “So when y’all tryna make our new basketball, football, and baseball leagues?”. Alternately, “Should we all stop twerking, and then when we see them do it, act disgusted?”.

Or, “We just gon’ stop rapping.”

And of course, White people will also get to have a say in this matter. It will just be three-fifths of a say!

And, of course, we are only doing this in order to try to get White people to stop co-opting our language. After that, we’ll stop. The Congress will disband, and we’ll shake hands and go on about our day.

Or, at least, that’s what we’ll tell them. Open parentheses, giggles, close parentheses.

We could also, like, I don’t know. Lie to them. And then keep lying to them. And then when they fight back, give them a little symbolic treat, and then maybe like, I don’t know, keep lying to them?

I’m just saying. We could do that. It would totally be within our power to do that. If we all came together, and denied them our culture. They wouldn’t be able to do a thing. But maybe get a few White members elected to the Congress sometimes who we won’t take serious but we’ll act like we like them and that they’re important and the White members will go along with it because they get to hang with the cool kids and get the validation they’ve always yearned for and their people can’t tell the difference no ways in fact their people celebrate them.

Like, hypothetically.

I don’t know.

I just don’t think White women should be allowed to say homegirl.

It’s like, bitch, that’s Susan.

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