Criteria for Rap Music Videos
I’ve watched a lot of rap music videos in my life. Probably too many. So, here are, from my expertise, the absolute essential qualities necessary to produce an impactful one.
There must be a legion of children behind the rapper hyping him up. The misbehavior of the children, and the support of the adults around them, should inspire in you a reflection on the socialization of Black children from lower-class backgrounds. Should make you sad, empathetic, and turnt.
If not set in the hood, then it shall be the desert, or a luxury condo in New York. There’s no room for the middle class in rap music videos. It’s the trenches or the Taj Mahal.
I mean, come on. Bad bitches. This is a non-negotiable. Anything else may as well be a Mumford and Sons video. Bonus points if they’re so bad they make me feel bad about myself.
If it is set in the hood, every person who has ever lived in that hood better be outside and on the same street. And armed.
And on that note, do NOT tell us that the guns are real. Even if they are. Even if without a shadow of a doubt, beyond all plausible deniability, we can clearly see that they’re real. Even though the police don’t care about your disclaimer that they’re “props”, and will arrest you anyways, add the disclaimer. It’s a stylistic flair.
The video should be shot by a nigga whose official business name has an underscore in it. He should also have some randomly technical ass shot in the video. Like a split-diopter shot of the artist rapping and a twerking butt. Bonus points if it’s shot in green night-vision.
Under absolutely no circumstances should the rapper smile. Unless there’s a butt nearby.
Police cars. The juxtaposition of being Black in America, as well as engaging in illegal activity, against the presence of forces who hate both of those things is not just a “trope” at this point. It’s as essential as the shot-reverse shot is to making a feature film.
No white people. Unless they got a big butt.
Hilarious! This trope may be over, but remember when every music video had a stiff “accountant” type who, would just so happen to stumble upon the video shoot, get carried away off the vibe and would dance offbeat to laughs from both the extras and the spectators at home?