Democrats Narrowly Nab Another Symbolic Victory

This past Tuesday, New Jersey Senator Cory Booker, after speaking for 25 hours straight, broke the record for the longest Senate speech ever. He credits his success to the many long nights he’s spent practicing—doing cocaine and giving hot-breathed speeches about the Civil Rights Movement to prostitutes.

When asked why he did it, considering it wasn’t, like, an anniversary or anything, nor did the speech have a similar intention as the one from 1968 which he was responding to (which was meant to prevent the Civil Rights Act from being legislated), Booker replied that he was just “helping to accomplish the mission of the Democratic Party.” “You know, to beat the most records.”

This historic feat comes hot off the heels of when the Democrats, during a lunch break from googling “genocide synonyms”, watched ‘Mean Girls’ for the first time.

“On Wednesdays we wear pink, on Thursdays we kill children,” Pelosi is reported to have said.

Just like that event, Democrats, liberals, and your Aunt are deeply moved and in awe of the speech’s power to accomplish nothing. GOP Pollster Frank Lutz even stated that the speech “may have changed the course of political history.” Which is like me having sex with a woman for 25 hours without giving her an orgasm, and then saying I’m “changing the course of sexual history.”

In fact, experts are saying that if the Party gains another symbolic victory, they might just become a symbol themselves. Their purpose and goals becoming simply a figment of the American collective imagination. Jeez, could you imagine?

Meanwhile, Trump continues his assault on American universities. When asked about his motivations, Trump says it’s simple. He hates universities for the same reason he hates women. “They’re expensive, hard to get into, and really mean to me and my friends.”

And this past Tuesday, as Cory Booker entered Hour 23 and began to express his desire to star in a Luca Guadagnino film, Trump froze dozens of research grants to Princeton in an effort to investigate antisemitism on campus. He says the investigation is, first and foremost, “for the safety of the Jews, since they own everything.”