Did I Just Catch Yo' Black Ass Trying to Win an Oscar?

Let me break some shit down for you. This is an industry of ideas. This industry is padded, safe, and secure from all that 1960s shit about jobs and equality and so on. You can’t force us to cast you in our film.

This is an industry of ideas, and visions. You see, we can just say you’re not in our vision for the film.

You can’t force us to give your film more recognition, which would give it more money, which would in turn give you more work. This is an industry of ideas and visions and opinions. We can just say in our opinion, this film is better than yours.

What? Okay, fuck nigga. Go ahead and do that shit then. Make your own award shows. And spaces. And cute little industries within the industry. Ain’t nobody gon’ take that shit seriously, anyways. All that shit still gon’ be Black. And, sorry to report, White pays more than Black, in this country. It’s a reason this Oscar is heavier than that BET award. Or that stank ass NAACP Image Award. Gone somewhere, nigga.

You always gone be the Black Oscars, and because you the Black Oscars, you always gone be the lesser, cheaper, lamer rip-off of the Oscars. That was a cute show, though. I liked seeing Angela Bassett dance to GloRilla. I needed that.

But, you know, it’s okay. We have a special slot reserved in this industry for you guys. It’s called the “Here Nigga, Damn” choices.

Ask us who the best actors of all time are? Well, I mean, jeez, what a question! Naturally, Brando, Streep, Hoffman, De Niro, Pacino, Dean, maybe Clift if I’m feeling spicy, shoot, maybe I’ll even throw Kim Stanley in there if I really wanna flex.

Huh? Oh, right the niggers. We have to include them.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhh. Can you hand me the “Here Nigga, Damn” box? Thanks. Oh, right. Denzel Washington, Viola Davis, and Lupita Nee….Lupita.

Or, when we’re deciding the Academy Awards. Indulge me, will you? Thanks. Okay.

And, SCENE.

Okay, our choices are all set. Best Picture is racy enough to be considered diverse and important, but White enough to be an Oscar-caliber film, right? Great, great. Looks like Denzel isn’t up this year so Best Actor is White, right? Beau-ti-ful. And, I mean, come on, this is Best Actress we’re talking about here. Get Lee Daniels to make a movie about a crackhead bitch in Mississippi, and put a Democrat in office and maaaaybeee we’ll think about it. Otherwise, I want the broad holding that statue prettier than a slavemaster’s wife (I say, as I dap up my fellow brothers)!

What? What did you just say? Aw, shit. We forgot the “Here Nigga, Damn” pick? No, no, we gave ‘em Best Supporting Actress last year. What do you think this is Section 8? Uh, look around. Casting? Editing? No? Okay.

Who’s this bald fuck? Costume Design? That’s a category? We televise that? Alright..then, fuck it.

Wait, what? The…first one..? Like. Ever? Jesus Christ. Like, not a single one? Ever? I mean, fuck, Jerry, give this shit to ‘em. Alright, alright. I mean, I liked the costumes in The Wiz. That guy wasn’t Black? Really? White guy? Did the costumes for the Wiz? Wow.

Well, it’s Hollywood.

And scene.

Thank you. I am repped by CAA, yes! Haha, no it’s not because you don’t have your glasses on right now, that is indeed Juilliard on my resumé. Huh? No, yeah, that is my father, yep! The last name is not a coincidence. Ohhh, you’re too kind. Really. Alright. Yeah. Bye. Oh, sorry. “See you later”, haha! Okay. You too!

Sorry. I get really into it.

In conclusion, you are Black. And don’t forget it. Don’t let me catch you trying to do some stupid shit like this again, alright? Stay over there. Making your little weird, emotional shit. This is Hollywood. This is the Oscars. We accept tales and spins on one thing—Whiteness. Now, we like to joke around. We have thick skin. Make a movie about how bad we are, how horrible and terrible, and oh-such-little-bad-boys we’ve been, and we might throw your little sexy ass a nomination. But, don’t come around here with any movie, or performance, that actually explores, inquires, and opens up critical thought and discussion about Blackness.

You can take that shit right over to the BET awards, and then up your ass.