Freaky Ass Auntie Makes Leopard Endangered Species

JERSEY CITY, NJ— This past Tuesday, local auntie, GiGi, who’s known amongst her family for amorous qualities and having a new “friend” every Thanksgiving, was reportedly the final straw in the long-forecasted endangerment of the leopard species.

After decades of decorating her house in leopard-print—lampshades, comforter sets, and kitchenware, are some of the items her taste is said to have impacted—the WWF released an official statement declaring leopards to be in danger of total extinction.

“It is with deep sadness and urgency that we announce that the panthera pardus, commonly referred to as ‘leopards,’ is now, officially, an endangered family. We vigorously encourage the continued addressing of deadly threats to the species—such as poachers, habitat loss, and middle-aged-to-older Black women who work within the tradition of Judge Lynn Toler and Adina Howard, respectively—as well as looking for ways to rid of these threats. By any means necessary.”

Amongst turmoil and conflict in her community—comments like "Auntie be out here poaching leopards,” and “Whatever they say she did, I blame it on that one bum nigga she use to be with,” for example, have become commonplace—GiGi has only made one official statement: “Mind your business”.

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