We’re A Streaming Service Valued at Over a Billion Dollars That Everyone Already Knows And Uses, But You Know What Would Make Us Even Better? A Loud Song When You Open Our App

We are just over the moon to announce this exciting and completely necessary addition to our platform.

Dear Subscriber,

I hope this announcement finds you well.

You might know us from being the most popular streaming service of the entire last decade.

You’ve been with us through thick and thin. When you first subscribed, you were just a skinny kid with a student discount slogging through undergrad. In the time since, you’ve had countless loves, heartbreaks, jobs, friends, deaths, pets, ups, downs, marriages, and babies.

And all the while, there we were, finding the worst possible moment in your little sad busy week to deliver the first punch in a one-two combo—followed up by Chase emailing you, “Your balance is below $50.00 for account ending in (….)”—to let you know that we received the eleven dollars you were impatiently waiting to donate so that you could watch half an episode of Queer Eye while you scrolled on Instagram for a little bit before getting bored and sad and going to sleep.

But, even after all that, we still don’t feel like you really know us enough. It’s all good.

Relationships take work.

We know you know a thing or two about that. Lol.

That’s why we’re simply ecstatic to announce something we know you all have been yearning for, deep down in your little adorable hearts.

That’s right. We’re making a song.

What’s that? No, it’s not “like a jingle”.

What? No, it’s not going to be “an actual song”.

Let me paint the picture for you.

It’s a Wednesday night. You just got home from a long day of hard working and ass-busting for a job that hates you. You’re vaguely sleepy, but the couch is right there, and you wouldn’t mind a little distraction before you hit the hay.

So, you slouch down and grab the remote.

“Eh, fuck it, let’s see what’s on Netflix,” you think to yourself, as you click us in all the right places.

We giggle at your ignorance.

You don’t even know what’s about to happen to you, honeybear, do you?

Just as you begin to settle into, and even enjoy the fact that you’re finally home—safe, comfortable, relaxed—you’re reminded, quicker than you can say “JESUS CHRIST”, that your mom got you that soundbar last Christmas.

Yeah, cutie-pie.

This isn’t just some “jingle”.

And don’t you ever insult us like that again.

This is the loudest fucking 808 you’ve ever heard.

This isn’t your mother’s lame-ass “Nationwide is on your side” or “Ace is the place with the helpful hardware folks”.

This is art—meant to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.

You’re on the floor, now, little bitch. Someone left the volume on the TV really high, and the bass note we paid such careful attention crafting sent you flying.

But you think it’s over.

You think we’re just a bunch of punks, don’t you?

You thought we’d stop at the bass, didn’t you?

We giggle at your ignorance.

Baby, you don’t know a single thing about us.

It’s time for the fucking drums, and we just brought John Bonham back to life to improvise a solo based on the 20th Century Fox intro.

While he seems to exclusively bang on the bass drum, your body rumbles around on your carpet. Something inside of you—long hidden, raw, primal—is scratching at your insides and yearning to rise once again. Faces of your ancestors begin to form around you, native tongues become your fluent language, you begin to become the man you never were, but whom always walked through your dreams, inventing desires and haunting—

What’s that? Is there “at least a little melody” in there? Something “even vaguely pleasurable to the ear”? “Anything at all to complement the complete barrage of percussion and low-end”? Well, even though your tone could use a little work, we’re so glad you asked.

Inspired by the works of artists like Brian Eno, John Cage, and Björk, we sampled the sound of a spaceship, reversed it, and added a 100-piece choir made up entirely of baby angels on top.

We also set fire to a violin and had a witch cast a spell on it so that it’s condemned to scream for eternity. That’s in the background, somewhere.

We are just over the moon to announce this exciting and completely necessary addition to our platform, and we hope you enjoy it just as much as we do.

Sincerely yours,
The #1 Streamer For 13 years In A Row