Young, Healthy, Anti-American Showed No Signs We Would Commit Homicide Against Her
Today, the White House sends its condolences to the friends and family of Young, Healthy, Anti-American Attorney. This news has deeply rattled and shocked us. There were absolutely no signs—she was young, healthy, seemingly happy, and had such a long and successful life ahead of her. Our thoughts and prayers are with her loved ones at this incredibly heartbreaking time, after hearing the difficult news that we committed homicide against her.
Homicide is a growing problem in the United States. The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention published a survey last Friday showing that murder rates amongst Young, Healthy, Anti-Americans have increased by a whopping 25% since January. We have to stop this.
Hopefully, by July, the murder rates will have stopped increasing, because we will have killed all of them.
Again, it should be restated that we are deeply saddened and moved by this news. We weren’t expecting it to break so soon. We killed her, and only about an hour later reports were out.
She was one of our least-favorite attorneys, and her work will be missed accordingly. I will reminisce fondly on the paranoia I’d feel whenever I heard she was working on anything relating to Israel or Russia. Most of all, I will miss saying to my colleagues, “someone needs to kill her”.
“She exemplified what it meant to agitate and scare men in power,” said my friend, and a conservative attorney, about her career. “When you talk about being on a ‘list’, she was definitely high up on that list.”