My White Girlfriend Just Called Me A 'Golden Retriever BF'
As a Black man, what are the racial implications of this?
Dear Abby,
My White girlfriend just called me a “golden retriever boyfriend”. As a Black man, what are the racial implications of this?
She insists that it just means that I’m, “extremely loyal, and, like, obedient.”
Is she completely unaware of the negative historical connotation of that statement?
I’ve had insecurities about being a BBTW (Black Boyfriend to White) for a while now.
I feel like I’m not doing it right. Or, if I am, I’m doing it in a way that compromises my dignity. And this has only made it worse.
You see, I’m not a cool BBTW, like an NBA player or anything. I’m the BBTW who hasn’t had a haircut in a year, and looks like he escaped from the New Yorker Cartoons extended universe to chase his lifelong dream of life in the big city.
I’m sensitive. I’ve been told by my friends that I love like a lesbian. I often can’t tell if girls are flirting with me or if they just think I’m gay. I wear Banana Republic. And yes, I talk White, but sometimes I try to switch it up when I hang out around my cousins back home.
I also try to switch my voice up around my girlfriend. Sometimes when we’re driving I’ll put on the most ignorant trap song I can find, and really lean into my Southern Drawl while rapping along, just so she knows I’m still a Nigga.
Still, though, I can’t hide the fact I love folk music, and we usually end up listening to that instead. And, whenever my family talks about me now, the phrase “he with that White girl” somehow always shows up. My Mom and Aunt were talking about how I’d just gotten onto the Forbes 30 under 30 list and saved a family from a fire the week before, and my Auntie said,
“He still with that White girl?”
“Yup. He still with her,” my Mom replied.
What’s really fucking me up is that she thinks I’m tripping. “I can’t believe you really think I’m racist. Why are you even with me?”
Abby, the fact that this bothers me is making me feel like a problem. Sometimes, I think about leaving her so she can get with a White man who’ll have no problem with her calling him a dog.
It’s hard being Black. What should I do?
With Love,
Tremaine Emory
I cackled out loud at this part: “ I’m the BBTW who hasn’t had a haircut in a year, and looks like he escaped from the New Yorker Cartoons extended universe to chase his lifelong dream of life in the big city.” 😂😂
When you said "I also try to switch my voice up around my girlfriend. Sometimes when we’re driving I’ll put on the most ignorant trap song I can find, and really lean into my Southern Drawl while rapping along, just so she knows I’m still a Nigga."
This cracked me up but at the same time, I felt this. Being a black man that's married to a white woman (that is a veterinarian. We used to work with each other at a vet hospital lol), I think that we would have times in which we have been exposed to certain things associated with white people exclusively. Then when we have a second of reflection, we think "Shit..I need to get back to some nigga shit" almost to a sense of us not losing where we came from and not letting microaggressions and subtleties go ignored. It does sound like one of those goofy/stupid Facebook tests and she thought of you as far as what breed of dog would you be.
With the history of how Black men and women have LITERALLY been looked at as such and it is still prevalent in specifically Jamaican culture calling "having sex" breeding isn't helpful. I think that this is why it stings so much to even have dog breed and talking about any Black individual in the same conversation. It is a very weird mental space to be in when you think someone that you love is unconsciously spitting racial epithets at you.
I think you should check your gf and make sure that she understands why this bothers you. Even though she may not realize what the implications were, there's still some education needed on her part potentially.
But then I ask....why do we always feel that is our responsibility?